Here is part two of When God Gives and Takes. (Read part one here.)
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I think of that passage in Corinthians about God being the God of comfort and His comfort then being the avenue for us to then comfort others. In the days soon after our miscarriage, I clung to this statement of incredible truth about God. He said He would comfort. I can trust Him to do it here. Now. In the days to come. In some way, in some very real, tangible way, He will give comfort to my aching soul in this time of need.
And He did comfort and continues to comfort. Day by day, moment by moment, at each moment of great need, His comfort has come in many ways…His Word, prayer, my husband, friends and family, songs…the list could go on.
Being comforted with God’s comfort doesn’t mean the pain goes away or that tears instantly dry up. It doesn’t mean all questions have been answered. But in some strange way, pain and ensuing comfort does help us to avert our eyes from the here and now and see a God who cares, who sees our sorrow, and who is greater than our circumstances, working to make us as refined gold being shaped into His glorious image. The reality of God’s comfort helps us to say as Job said, even while in the midst of sorrow: “blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21) and behold our God and worship Him.
Pain reminds us that earth and life is merely our temporary home and makes us long even more for the day when creation’s groanings because of the effects of sin will come to an end. So we look forward to that unseen, yet promised, hope. One day we will be glorified and will be with Him, the One who gave His life for us because He loved us back when we were His enemies. We will see Him and will be like Him. Oh that will be glory! This temporary suffering in life is not worthy to be compared with the glory that will be revealed. The hope gives us perseverance in this life. (Romans 8:18-25)
Pain makes God’s love all the more real, because no matter how great the suffering is, God‘s love is greater. (Romans 8:35-39)
Pain makes us vulnerable and reveals how helpless we are in doing anything about our pain…unless we entrust it to a God who can do something about it. And when He does, He gets the glory.
Pain rattles our cage and wakes us up to the reality of life. Comfort then steps in to show us that there are others out there who are hurting even more than we are. God’s comfort and grace help motivate us to do something to also comfort those who are hurting, especially those of the Body of Christ. Many times, God’s comfort comes in the form of those around us extending words and deeds of encouragement. Many times, He wants to use us to be His hands and feet to bring comfort to others.
Even as I write all this, the tears come again and again and never seem to have an end. I don’t really understand why God gave us our precious little ones for only a few short weeks. But I know He is good, and every good and perfect gift comes from above. He only does what is best for His children. Can I trust Him with my burden of sorrow and find joy in Him? By His grace, I can, one minute at a time, and continue to bless His name.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Saturday, June 27, 2015
When God Gives and Takes {Part 1}
When it comes to the difficulties and struggles in life, I’m not necessarily one to wear my heart on my sleeve or spill all my guts for the world to read, but this post is the first of two posts talking about our pregnancy, miscarriage, and how God is bringing us--me--through it. In a way, there’s been healing in writing it down, so maybe I’m writing more for my sake than for any of you readers. In it all, blessed be the name of the Lord.
****************
It’s been over 3 months now. Sometimes I think I’m over the grief, tears, and emptiness… and then all the emotions come rushing back, as if it all just happened yesterday….
Our two little ones: precious gifts from God for just a few weeks. They were so tiny and under-developed, yet created in His image and beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made. Who would have thought that someone so small--someone we never even got to meet--would claim our hearts and love so fast? Who would have imagined that their short-lived lives in the womb would leave such a lasting impact on our lives?
At first we thought we were only having one baby. Oh we joked about the possibility of two. After all, twins do run in my family, so it was a possibility. But it’d never happen. I mean, what are the chances?
And then the ultrasound technician grew quiet in concentration as he examined the computer screen during our first ultrasound. We stared at the screen ourselves, trying to make sense of the weird shapes and contours. We came up with our own ideas of what the pictures meant.
Finally, the technician broke the silence. “It looks like two!” Isaac and I just looked at each other in amazement and could hardly believe our ears! Really?!? I was almost jittery from excitement.
My mind was whirling: Twins. Who would have thought? In nine months, our family would go from just the two of us to four, with doubles of everything: 2 names to pick out, maybe they would be 2 boys, or 2 girls, or maybe even a girl and a boy, 2 car seats, 2 times the diapers and laundry, 2 babies to love and hug and train to love the Lord…the list could go on. The thought of having two instead of just one put a whole new and exciting twist on the idea of having a baby!
But the technician couldn’t confirm a due date because there were no heartbeats yet. “They’re too small--they’re showing to be only about 5 to 5 ½ weeks. Their hearts haven’t started yet. Come back when they’re a solid 8 weeks so we can confirm with heartbeats.”
“Only 5 weeks?” my mind couldn’t quite make sense of those words. I was almost positive that I was already a good 7 weeks along. Why only 5 weeks? I tried to dismiss the uneasy feeling.
For the next 2 ½ weeks, our hearts were mostly filled with joy and excitement. We told our parents and siblings and had fun breaking the news that not only were we expecting, but we were having two! We ourselves were still getting used to the idea of two…Oh the joy! Who would have thought we’d have twins? We tried to imagine what life would be like and how we’d fit two babies into our little house (that has only one bedroom--our room.) I read a pregnancy book and looked up maternity, baby, and twin stuff on Pinterest…just for fun. And all the while, we tried to push into the furthest corner of our hearts and minds the fear that there just possibly might be something wrong.
No, it won’t happen to us.
Yet in feeble trust (and increasing fear), we prayed and pleaded with God to do His will with our precious little ones, knowing He is the God who knows all and is in control of all things, even before they happen. We know You are the One who gave them to us in the first place, so who are we to say that You can’t take them away from us? We sure would be humbled and thankful, though, if You would give us a smooth pregnancy and healthy babies. We reminded ourselves of His goodness, His love, and His sovereignty in all things. We clung to the promises in His Word. We committed our little ones to Him. There was nothing else we could do.
The only thing we could do for them was also the greatest thing: pray and trust God to do His perfect will. It was all we had.
3 weeks later, we were once again in the ultrasound technician’s office, bracing ourselves to hear either the most incredible news or the most devastating: Either we’d hear some heartbeats signaling everything was normal, or they were gone.
I knew deep down in my heart what the outcome would be…and the ultrasound confirmed it: There had been no more development since our last ultrasound 2 ½ weeks earlier. We’d lost our babies. Our babies were dead.
While waiting those few weeks to confirm heartbeats with a second ultrasound, I couldn’t wrap my mind around how in the world I’d even begin to deal with losing our babies if something went wrong. The thought alone of the possibility of loss was almost more than I could handle. I didn’t even know how I’d respond to God, even though I wanted to say I was steadfast in my trust in the Lord and could tell you that I knew God only does what is good.
And now it had happened, whether I was prepared for it or not. I thought it wouldn’t happen to us. But it did.
Can I be honest? The last 3 months have been the roughest, hardest, most achingly emotionally painful experience in my life. Our little ones and everything we’d been dreaming about that was wrapped up in the new life that was developing had been snatched away from us, never to have them back again. It is such a raw, vulnerable and un-explainable pain, filled with doubts, questions, and fears. I look around me and life just seems so unfair. Why us? Why now? Why our babies? Why, Lord???
And even though I’m a Christian, how do I deal with the pain of such loss?!? The spiritual realities of God’s Word just seem so abstract compared to the very real pain in my heart right now. How does this work??
****************
It’s been over 3 months now. Sometimes I think I’m over the grief, tears, and emptiness… and then all the emotions come rushing back, as if it all just happened yesterday….
Our two little ones: precious gifts from God for just a few weeks. They were so tiny and under-developed, yet created in His image and beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made. Who would have thought that someone so small--someone we never even got to meet--would claim our hearts and love so fast? Who would have imagined that their short-lived lives in the womb would leave such a lasting impact on our lives?
At first we thought we were only having one baby. Oh we joked about the possibility of two. After all, twins do run in my family, so it was a possibility. But it’d never happen. I mean, what are the chances?
And then the ultrasound technician grew quiet in concentration as he examined the computer screen during our first ultrasound. We stared at the screen ourselves, trying to make sense of the weird shapes and contours. We came up with our own ideas of what the pictures meant.
Finally, the technician broke the silence. “It looks like two!” Isaac and I just looked at each other in amazement and could hardly believe our ears! Really?!? I was almost jittery from excitement.
My mind was whirling: Twins. Who would have thought? In nine months, our family would go from just the two of us to four, with doubles of everything: 2 names to pick out, maybe they would be 2 boys, or 2 girls, or maybe even a girl and a boy, 2 car seats, 2 times the diapers and laundry, 2 babies to love and hug and train to love the Lord…the list could go on. The thought of having two instead of just one put a whole new and exciting twist on the idea of having a baby!
But the technician couldn’t confirm a due date because there were no heartbeats yet. “They’re too small--they’re showing to be only about 5 to 5 ½ weeks. Their hearts haven’t started yet. Come back when they’re a solid 8 weeks so we can confirm with heartbeats.”
“Only 5 weeks?” my mind couldn’t quite make sense of those words. I was almost positive that I was already a good 7 weeks along. Why only 5 weeks? I tried to dismiss the uneasy feeling.
For the next 2 ½ weeks, our hearts were mostly filled with joy and excitement. We told our parents and siblings and had fun breaking the news that not only were we expecting, but we were having two! We ourselves were still getting used to the idea of two…Oh the joy! Who would have thought we’d have twins? We tried to imagine what life would be like and how we’d fit two babies into our little house (that has only one bedroom--our room.) I read a pregnancy book and looked up maternity, baby, and twin stuff on Pinterest…just for fun. And all the while, we tried to push into the furthest corner of our hearts and minds the fear that there just possibly might be something wrong.
No, it won’t happen to us.
Yet in feeble trust (and increasing fear), we prayed and pleaded with God to do His will with our precious little ones, knowing He is the God who knows all and is in control of all things, even before they happen. We know You are the One who gave them to us in the first place, so who are we to say that You can’t take them away from us? We sure would be humbled and thankful, though, if You would give us a smooth pregnancy and healthy babies. We reminded ourselves of His goodness, His love, and His sovereignty in all things. We clung to the promises in His Word. We committed our little ones to Him. There was nothing else we could do.
The only thing we could do for them was also the greatest thing: pray and trust God to do His perfect will. It was all we had.
3 weeks later, we were once again in the ultrasound technician’s office, bracing ourselves to hear either the most incredible news or the most devastating: Either we’d hear some heartbeats signaling everything was normal, or they were gone.
I knew deep down in my heart what the outcome would be…and the ultrasound confirmed it: There had been no more development since our last ultrasound 2 ½ weeks earlier. We’d lost our babies. Our babies were dead.
While waiting those few weeks to confirm heartbeats with a second ultrasound, I couldn’t wrap my mind around how in the world I’d even begin to deal with losing our babies if something went wrong. The thought alone of the possibility of loss was almost more than I could handle. I didn’t even know how I’d respond to God, even though I wanted to say I was steadfast in my trust in the Lord and could tell you that I knew God only does what is good.
And now it had happened, whether I was prepared for it or not. I thought it wouldn’t happen to us. But it did.
Can I be honest? The last 3 months have been the roughest, hardest, most achingly emotionally painful experience in my life. Our little ones and everything we’d been dreaming about that was wrapped up in the new life that was developing had been snatched away from us, never to have them back again. It is such a raw, vulnerable and un-explainable pain, filled with doubts, questions, and fears. I look around me and life just seems so unfair. Why us? Why now? Why our babies? Why, Lord???
And even though I’m a Christian, how do I deal with the pain of such loss?!? The spiritual realities of God’s Word just seem so abstract compared to the very real pain in my heart right now. How does this work??
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