When it comes to the difficulties and struggles in life, I’m not necessarily one to wear my heart on my sleeve or spill all my guts for the world to read, but this post is the first of two posts talking about our pregnancy, miscarriage, and how God is bringing us--me--through it. In a way, there’s been healing in writing it down, so maybe I’m writing more for my sake than for any of you readers. In it all, blessed be the name of the Lord.
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It’s been over 3 months now. Sometimes I think I’m over the grief, tears, and emptiness… and then all the emotions come rushing back, as if it all just happened yesterday….
Our two little ones: precious gifts from God for just a few weeks. They were so tiny and under-developed, yet created in His image and beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made. Who would have thought that someone so small--someone we never even got to meet--would claim our hearts and love so fast? Who would have imagined that their short-lived lives in the womb would leave such a lasting impact on our lives?
At first we thought we were only having one baby. Oh we joked about the possibility of two. After all, twins do run in my family, so it was a possibility.
But it’d never happen. I mean, what are the chances?
And then the ultrasound technician grew quiet in concentration as he examined the computer screen during our first ultrasound. We stared at the screen ourselves, trying to make sense of the weird shapes and contours. We came up with our own ideas of what the pictures meant.
Finally, the technician broke the silence. “It looks like two!” Isaac and I just looked at each other in amazement and could hardly believe our ears!
Really?!? I was almost jittery from excitement.
My mind was whirling:
Twins. Who would have thought? In nine months, our family would go from just the two of us to four, with doubles of everything: 2 names to pick out, maybe they would be 2 boys, or 2 girls, or maybe even a girl and a boy, 2 car seats, 2 times the diapers and laundry, 2 babies to love and hug and train to love the Lord…the list could go on. The thought of having two instead of just one put a whole new and exciting twist on the idea of having a baby!
But the technician couldn’t confirm a due date because there were no heartbeats yet.
“They’re too small--they’re showing to be only about 5 to 5 ½ weeks. Their hearts haven’t started yet. Come back when they’re a solid 8 weeks so we can confirm with heartbeats.”
“
Only 5 weeks?” my mind couldn’t quite make sense of those words. I was almost positive that I was already a good 7 weeks along.
Why only 5 weeks? I tried to dismiss the uneasy feeling.
For the next 2 ½ weeks, our hearts were mostly filled with joy and excitement. We told our parents and siblings and had fun breaking the news that not only were we expecting, but we were having two! We ourselves were still getting used to the idea of two…
Oh the joy! Who would have thought we’d have twins? We tried to imagine what life would be like and how we’d fit two babies into our little house (that has only one bedroom--our room.) I read a pregnancy book and looked up maternity, baby, and twin stuff on Pinterest…just for fun.
And all the while, we tried to push into the furthest corner of our hearts and minds the fear that there just possibly might be something wrong.
No, it won’t happen to us.
Yet in feeble trust (and increasing fear), we prayed and pleaded with God to do His will with our precious little ones, knowing He is the God who knows all and is in control of all things, even before they happen.
We know You are the One who gave them to us in the first place, so who are we to say that You can’t take them away from us? We sure would be humbled and thankful, though, if You would give us a smooth pregnancy and healthy babies. We reminded ourselves of His goodness, His love, and His sovereignty in all things. We clung to the promises in His Word. We committed our little ones to Him.
There was nothing else we could do.
The only thing we could do for them was also the greatest thing: pray and trust God to do His perfect will. It was all we had.
3 weeks later, we were once again in the ultrasound technician’s office, bracing ourselves to hear either the most incredible news or the most devastating: Either we’d hear some heartbeats signaling everything was normal, or they were gone.
I knew deep down in my heart what the outcome would be…and the ultrasound confirmed it: There had been no more development since our last ultrasound 2 ½ weeks earlier. We’d lost our babies. Our babies were dead.
While waiting those few weeks to confirm heartbeats with a second ultrasound, I couldn’t wrap my mind around how in the world I’d even begin to deal with losing our babies if something went wrong. The thought alone of the possibility of loss was almost more than I could handle. I didn’t even know how I’d respond to God, even though I wanted to say I was steadfast in my trust in the Lord and could tell you that I knew God only does what is good.
And now it had happened, whether I was prepared for it or not.
I thought it wouldn’t happen to us. But it did.
Can I be honest?
The last 3 months have been the roughest, hardest, most achingly emotionally painful experience in my life. Our little ones and everything we’d been dreaming about that was wrapped up in the new life that was developing had been snatched away from us, never to have them back again. It is such a raw, vulnerable and un-explainable pain, filled with doubts, questions, and fears. I look around me and life just seems so unfair.
Why us? Why now? Why our babies? Why, Lord???
And even though I’m a Christian, how do I deal with the pain of such loss?!?
The spiritual realities of God’s Word just seem so abstract compared to the very real pain in my heart right now. How does this work??
